My thinking and rationalizations had become so twisted I still had no clue. I just wanted to get high but didn’t like the consequences, and I was still looking for a way to beat the game. Little did I know the game had ended long ago.
As I continued on to Florida, trying desperately to score some drugs somewhere along the way, I found myself in a dry spell. I couldn’t find any drugs and I wasn’t sure when and if withdrawal would set in. I drank a lot water, sometimes I felt I couldn’t get enough. I did it mainly so that I could try and flush the drugs from my system. I didn’t want to drive all that way and then flunk the urine test. Although I was panicky, I had a sort of dreaded optimism. Showing up to sober living, and being high was not something I wanted.
To this day I am not sure how I did it. For all intents and purposes, I got away with it. No one knew I was high, well, except me. But I could deal with that, right? I could start over inside. It was time to “get serious about recovery.” Only I had to tell everyone that I’d been clean since I got into treatment and once again I was trying to live clean and sober with a secret. I went to meetings and took chips as if I’d never used after treatment. I knew I was lying but still did it anyway.
If no one has said this to you…lying to everyone and trying to stay on top of it can be trying at best. I had no desire to get a sponsor or get busy with working the steps because I didn’t feel I could be honest. So, I avoided the sponsor thing and went to meetings because I had to for the sober living home.
To follow along, check out: The Biggest Lies