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Step One: Powerlessness

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable

I began a series back a while ago, coming up on a year now, and I wasn’t able to finish it. The series is about the 12-Step Program. I ended just as I was getting to Step Four. Because I sometimes have trouble with this step, as it seems a daunting process, I think I subconsciously find other projects to work on and other drug detox topics to blog about. This time though, my plan is to push forward.

I need to start at the beginning though with Step One.

“Admitted we were powerless over alcohol?”

Sounds like some pretty tough words to admit, and for me that was the easier part of the two parts here. (yes, to me this is two parts). By the time I came around to realizing that I couldn’t just have one drink, that no matter how I tried it always led to trouble, I had come to believe this whole heartedly. I thought if I didn’t drink X beer, or drank only shots, or if I could just come up with a way to make it work then I’d find the happiness I needed. Well, for many years I tried, and it just wasn’t working.

So, I admitted I was powerless. I couldn’t stop though. I needed an alcohol detox.

The second part, “that my life had become unmanageable” was much harder. I couldn’t see my addiction for what it was. For me, I still had my job. I still had my relationship. I still had my health. What more does one need? I didn’t see that I didn’t have any money in the bank. I was over my head in credit card debt. I was always at odds with the other half. I was calling in ‘sick’ to work; maximizing my yearly sick time by July. And, if all that weren’t enough, I barely saw any of my friends, and I’d been hauled into my boss’s office twice for bad behavior.

It wasn’t until I actually was able to pull a significant amount of sober time together was I able to see that I’d taken my life and minimized it. I made it manageable in that sense. In a way, I guess I was tricking myself. Life is easy to manage when you have nothing to manage, right?