I mentioned before that before I went into drug detox and treatment that I had a girlfriend, what I didn’t mention was that my girlfriend had a young daughter. Her daughter grew to care for me and I for her, but I couldn’t or was to ashamed to examine the negative affects my using had on her. It’s part of getting honest, and I was struggling with that.
The fights with her mom at three in the morning, or the times I wouldn’t come home at all for 2 or 3 days at a time, wasn’t creating a healthy environment for the young child. I had a lot of shame and guilt for the things I did while getting loaded. By getting involved with a woman in treatment, trading my suv for a sports car, and moving into my own place, I thought that changing my outside would fix my inside. I conveniently forgot I was involved with a woman who had a young child, or that my SUV was much more appropriate for my job than a sports car and even moving out of my current home which was quite adequate. These were all easy to rationalize. I’d convinced myself by saying that ‘change is good.’
Although I’d had a sponsor and made some new friends in Narcotics Anonymous I wasn’t working the steps with my sponsor and was fellowshipping by going to meetings but was still focused on the differences rather than the similarities. “I’m not as bad as or don’t need to do as much as others in the meetings” Again I still had my job, etc, etc, I was missing the fact that I couldn’t stop once I started using, and when I had stopped I’d always start again.
When I truly began getting sober and learning about the 12 steps, particularly steps 4 and 5, I was able to come to terms with guilt and could see how I could use this experience to help others and even that child later on in life. Today I see that’s the most important thing I have in common with other alcoholics and addicts.
In my next blog I’ll share a little about what happened next and what got me into my next drug and alcohol treatment center.
To get my continuation, click “The Power of Addiction.”