Normally I can sit at the computer and write. The words mostly flow. Tonight I am apprehensive. Why? Well, God willing I will be 19 years clean and sober tomorrow. It feels good and I think I have a good shot at it happening, but it’s mostly just being comfortable in my own skin. Not cocky-comfortable, just assured of my center, my sobriety feels intact. I think that’s what’s making me apprehensive. It’s ingrained in me to wonder when the proverbial ‘other shoe’ will drop. Don’t get me wrong, because if you’ve been reading my blog, or at least parts of it you know I’m an upbeat person. I look for the good, which is what I am going to do right now.
It’s been a great year overall. I am continually handed lessons one after the other. Sometimes I can barely stand to be taught anything. I find myself short on patience because like any good addict I want it all now. I asked for it…why shouldn’t I get it…now? Well, it’s a good question, and I don’t have a great answer but if I got everything I wanted in my own time, then I wouldn’t find the challenges in the world around me. Sometimes waiting for something to happen is the best part. The journey to get there, to get what you want is the lesson learned. What’s better yet is that I don’t seem to get exactly what I want, but I do get something, and in most cases, like 95% of the time it is better than I could have imagined.
For me, the journey continues; the journey of sobriety; the journey of patience and understanding. I still have so much to learn and most of the time I don’t do it ‘right,’ but I continue moving forward, giving the gift that’s been given to me by the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
So here is to 19 years of sobriety. I don’t remember what that first day was like to come into the halls, but I do remember the last day I drank. It’s enough to keep me here.