Sobriety

In the earlier days of my sobriety, actually even before that, I became somewhat of a minimalist; survival was enough. Having a multitude of material possessions, taking extravagant trips, or bragging about successes were, in my opinion, ego-centric.

I’d nearly thrown it all away; sixty days down the tubes for not listening to my inner voice, the one from my gut, not listening to the members at Alcoholics Anonymous, and for not listening to those in the rehab treatment center. I had, however, heard them when they, including my gut, told me to set up an out, and not to be afraid to leave. For me, drugs and alcohol are a life threatening situation.
          Would I die today if I took a drink? Yes and no.

I can’t honestly say that what happened was a monumental surprise. I’d set myself up knowing full well the end result was a possibility. One of the many lessons I learned in the recovery treatment center was to prepare myself for situations, to leave myself a way out if needed. Being of an analytical mind, someone who had been planning best and worst case scenarios for most of his life, it wasn’t too difficult.

Liked stalled cars on the side of the highway, a couple more friends were opting to pull out of the party circuit scene in the hopes of finding smoother, better paved roads in the land of sobriety. I’d never really pulled away from the party circuit scene, which is what’s strongly advised for a while first when getting sober.

So, by now, if you’ve been reading my blog here, you are possibly thinking that I’m nothing but a big fat liar. You’d be right in some regards and oh so wrong in others. My only defense is that I’m an addict, and it’s what we do. I’d spent years building a fabrication of a life, so coming clean wasn’t second nature at all, and who knows, maybe I felt if I gave up that ‘creative’ side to myself I’d have nothing really left.

White lies continued to surround me. I knew I wasn’t doing what was asked of me in the rehab treatment center and in Alcoholics Anonymous – rationalizations were nearly as rampant in me sober as they were in me when I was using. I’d been laying a trap for myself and I’d eventually get caught, but I’d been able to bob and weave in the past as a drunk, so I could probably do it better sober.

I’m not sure what was going on with me at this point but I felt as if I were driving in reverse. Picking up booze and drugs wasn’t an option, but coming clean, dealing with what had happened in the past drew a dispassionate, murky, and detached side of me that I wasn’t aware I had. I knew what I had done in the past wasn’t working – that I could admit. Wasn’t that enough though? Couldn’t we all just sit here in the rehab treatment center and share drunk-a-logs?

The fall equinox began like most others had in the past: cool mornings, frost on the car windows, white plumes of breath dissipating almost as soon as they passed my lips; and warm days, cobalt blue, cloudless skies; and the fall leaves, russet reds, golden yellows, and pumpkin oranges adorned the avenues of the old city.
          Fall is my favorite time of year in New England. With the exception of a warm Indian summer day, the day-time temperatures remain in the mid sixties, the humid heat of July and August a distant memory.

One of the best parts of getting sober can also feel like one the worst parts of getting sober. As we each move forward; admitting we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable, coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him, and eventually have to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, it can be both liberating and debilitating at the same time.

Over the course of the next few sessions, just as detox time at the recovery treatment center was ending, a couple additional members of the group ‘picked-up’ again, and just like before they were welcomed back with open arms – no ramifications. I didn’t understand what was going on here, but I did realize that if I did falter I would be welcomed back as well. Was that an option for me? Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite if I did that?