sobersam's blog

There is an old adage..."Sit in the barber chair long enough and you will get your haircut." How true those words are.

I began to do what I’d done in the past.

As far as I could see, I was doing well. I got and went to the allotted meetings that the sober living home required of me. I also knew some of the people in the sober living home because we all came from the same drug and alcohol treatment center.

My thinking and rationalizations had become so twisted I still had no clue. I just wanted to get high but didn’t like the consequences, and I was still looking for a way to beat the game. Little did I know the game had ended long ago.

So I “graduated" from my second alcohol and drug addiction treatment center. I packed all I could into my Ford Bronco and began the journey to Florida. I thought a road trip would be a lot of fun, I'd be able to clear my head and find a new life there. I sat down, laid out a route, and as habit would have it, my addiction kicked in and I stopped at a drug contacts to buy an eight-ball for the road.

Again, as I approached the end of my 30 days of this drug and alcohol detox and rehab, I was at a loss. I didn't know what I was going to do with my exit plan, but I knew I'd get some help. My counselor recommended that I go to sober living and thought it would be good for me to get away from everything and suggested a sober living home in Florida. I don't think I was happy about having to do this, and I'd surely have to think about it.

I’d arrived at the drug detox and alcohol treatment center with my girlfriend. A very beautiful place in the mountains of Colorado. There was a main lodge where the groups, offices and cafeteria were at. There were small cabins where we stayed and often elk would be seen on the grounds around the facility. I was again dazed and confused about my condition and was off the drugs for maybe 24 hours at this point.

With my depression deepening and my loneliness taking over, I felt myself compelled to act on these emotions. Finally the day came when I convinced my brother and sister-in-law into letting me take the truck to a meeting. I worked hard to make them believe I was doing well. What they didn't truly know was how much I was suffering.

So there I was fresh out of alcohol and drug treatment, getting loaded in a half furnished apartment, and missing in action from work again. I didn't know what was going on with me, and although I didn't know it at the time, I was repeating the familiar pattern of numbing myself out for as long as I could, just so I didn't have to feel or think.

I mentioned before that before I went into drug detox and treatment that I had a girlfriend, what I didn’t mention was that my girlfriend had a young daughter. Her daughter grew to care for me and I for her, but I couldn’t or was to ashamed to examine the negative affects my using had on her. It's part of getting honest, and I was struggling with that.

As like most drug addicts, I underestimated the power of my addiction and the obsession and desire for that first hit and/or drink. It took me a long time and pain to understand that I’m completely powerless over the obsession that takes me back out, making me relapse. I know what works to prevent this but sometimes it is difficult to work though the steps.